Although sacred sexuality is one aspect of Tantra, I don’t talk about it too much, particularly not in my introductory tantra workshop, this is because I don’t want people to get sidetracked and forgot about the essence of Tantra, which is really about meditation and presence.
A lot of people are drawn to Tantra because of the aspect of sexuality. It is true that in Tantra we work with sexual energy (I prefer to use the phrase life force). However, the transformation of sexual energy (life force) will never happen if meditation is not there in the first place.
Tantric sexuality will never happen if you are not in meditation. Period. Even if you know all the techniques (intellectually), eye-gazing can still be challenging if you are too much in the mind (when I was on my early tantric path, someone wanted me to teach him tantric sexuality, but he couldn’t even eye-gaze for a few minutes because he was so much in the mind and he could only laugh as soon as he started eye-gazing). Then I understood tantric sexuality should never be taught that way, as it takes time to cultivate awareness and consciousness.
So there is no way to teach about tantric sexuality if you are not in meditation first. That is what I see the problem with a lot of tantric teachings in the world. They teach about sexuality first but forget about meditation. I believe for genuine, authentic teaching, MEDITATION ALWAYS HAS TO COME FIRST.
I will not talk about tantric sexuality if I don’t see meditation happening in my students. I want my students to have a good foundation in meditation before they move into sexuality. And in fact, when you are really present and meditative, tantric sexuality can happen automatically, spontaneously, without you even knowing it.
Sometimes I also feel the need to share a bit about tantric lovemaking and my experiences with genuine, authentic tantric men. I want more people to know about their potentiality in sexuality and how tantra can truly transform their life (both in the world and in the bedroom).
To be honest, I first came onto the path of Tantra also because I was frustrated with my sexual experiences. I had boyfriends and lovers in my early til mid-twenties (when I was in my early explorative period). But somehow intuitively I just knew sexuality had to be much more than what I was experiencing at that time. Most men came too early, and I rarely experienced orgasmic pleasure. I rarely had orgasms and did not obtain too much pleasure out of sex. I also felt bad about telling those men because I did not want to hurt any people’s feelings… When I spoke about this with my girlfriends, interestingly, they all told me the same thing. So I was not alone in this.
I was also early on my spiritual journey and started reading a lot of Osho books. When Osho talked about Tantra, how lovemaking can be a sacred experience, my heart beams with joy – knowing that spirituality and sexuality can be one and they don’t have to be contradictory makes me feel hopeful.
Ever since I have been on the tantric journey properly, I have had a few beautiful tantric lovers. This is what I have to say, once you have made love with a true tantric man, there is no going back! Lovemaking will take on a whole different dimension. In fact, a lot of my goddesses girlfriends came onto the tantric path because they have met a tantric man. (Grateful for all the beautiful authentic tantric men out there! The world needs more of you!)Tantric Lovemaking = Orgasmic meditation
1. Tantric lovemaking seems more like an orgasmic meditation.
It is not about rushing to the goal, to reach orgasm. In tantric sex, there is no goal. Rather, every moment is to be savoured and enjoyed to the fullest extent, every moment is orgasmic.
Tantric men bring full presence in bed (which is the most important, that’s why meditation has to be foundation for tantric lovemaking). When someone is there with you fully, you feel you are being seen, being well received and being loved. And you can really relax, surrender and opening up fully.
Also Tantric men rarely ejaculate as they understand that ejaculation is a waste of energy, rather, they sublime the energy upward and have an implosive orgasm (rather an explosive orgasm). This is tremendously beneficial for women, as the women’s bodies take much longer to warm up, to reach orgasm, so if a man doesn’t ejaculate, lovemaking can be much more pleasurable, for both parties. Also, it is a more extended orgasmic meditation session.
For tantric women, it is also the same, to have implosive orgasm, to have whole body energetic orgasm, which is much more satisfying than a fleeting, quick clitoral orgasm.
2. Tantric men know how to give pleasure to their Goddesses
Because they are less in the mind, so when a tantric man makes love, there is no shame in giving oral pleasure to their Goddesses and they are really good at it.
The logic is also quite simple: The less in the mind you are, the less fear you have, the less conditioning you are, the better you are in bed (and in life)!
3. Tantric men know how to love their Goddesses
Tantric men understand women better because they are also in touch with their femininity, their inner Goddess (Tantra is also about the union between the masculine and feminine energies within). Hence, they can also see the Goddess in you and honour you as a Goddess. Vice versa, the Goddess also honours his man as God.
A tantric union is a union between a God and a Goddess, to honour and worship the divinity in each other. A true tantric man knows that the source of love is also within him. His love and happiness are not dependent on you. He knows that he is love. He loves you because he has so much love in him that this energy just flows naturally (same for Tantric woman).
Both parties are independent and responsible for their own happiness (also when you realise the other is a God/Goddess, it would be difficult to have arguments or complaints about each other). It is not a relationship based on neediness, demanding or codependency. Rather, it is a relationship of mutual sharing, mutually flourishing together, where love and freedom can co-exist.
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